(Untitled thoughts of one who is lonely and slightly intoxicated)

“There comes a time when you have to stop fooling yourself into thinking life is the way you want it to be and face reality of how it really is”

To be honest, this “time” in your life will probably repeat and instead become ‘several different times’ across your whole life. It’s not the first time it has happened to me either and it won’t be the last. But it is a big one.

See, I returned back to the UK on September 12th, two days earlier than planned. This was a decision made due to several factors and one that I do not regret whatsoever. However, exactly two weeks later I find myself alone and in bed at 22:37 on a Saturday night. Whereas you’d think a young man of 22 years would be out with his friends, maybe having a drink or two, I find myself tiring of my own company. Company that I have had to put up with, with very few distractions and trust me, spending a prolonged period of time with me is not a definition of ‘fun’.

It does make you think though. I mean, have I truly been so self-absorbed that I have failed to notice what’s happening around me? Have I such a self-centred nature that I have failed to notice my short-comings are producing negative results and reactions in everyone around me?
On both counts, the answer is either yes or probably.

I’ve been living in a world inside my head where I am loved by all and I have a plethora of friends. But that isn’t my reality. I have friends. I have people who care about me but even so, on the Saturday night before I fly out to Australia I am alone. And bored. I have looked at my many social media platforms, looked at the names of people I know and not even bothered to start a single conversation. I don’t know who would want to talk to me and I don’t know what I’d want to talk about.

And that is what my reality is right now and what I have to face up too. I’m in a state of limbo. I haven’t been able to make any lasting decisions or lay any foundations because my time in the UK before flying out is so temporary.

There has been no desire to make committment and so I have become lathargic and lazy, caught up in a stupour of feeling sorry for myself. And that is what this blog post is too, in a way. It’s me feeling sorry for myself. I’ve isolated myself and now I’m paying the price of poor decision-making and my refusal to not see anything I don’t want to see.

Alcohol probably hasn’t helped. Neither will have a lack of something to focus on, other than editing my photos.

I’m someone who relies on connections with others, but I want them to make the effort. I want them to make the first move so I feel wanted. I have always felt like I try too hard and I invest too much of myself in others, but that is probably so far from the truth. After all, how is someone to know to get in touch with you if you don’t get in touch with them?

In all honesty, I’ve probably brought alot of it upon myself. I’m good at burning bridges, at cutting people off. It is something I have always done. But I wish I hadn’t. I wish I hadn’t burnt as many bridges as I have and I wish I’d made more effort with people who deserved it.

It’s company I miss most. Companionship. Daily interactions with people I knew. My reality is that my September isn’t the same as my August, or my June or July. It is vastly different and to believe otherwise would be to continue to lie to myself. I can’t live in a world that no longer exists. Change has happened and I’ve just go to find a new role for myself within it.

My life isn’t what I want it to be, but it is what it is and that’s what I’ve got to work with.


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